Janiece went in for her surgery today at 12:30and was done around 2:30. She should be released to go home this evening, however the last update I received was that she was still at the hospital.
A 2 inch by 6 inch area was removed around where the mole was. Hopefully this removed all cancer cells from that terrible little mole! The original mole was about the size of the tip of your pinky finger.
When the surgeon first saw Janiece's adjacent lymph nodes he had a little concern because they were bigger than usual. However, after a closer look he reported that he is positively optimistic and "feels good" about the lymph nodes and that there is likely no cancer spread there. The results of the biopsy should be back next Wednesday and of couse we have to wait for that to be 100% sure.
Relatively speaking, this is the best possible news we could have received today. My sweet nieces and nephew need their mother. We are thanking God and so grateful.
Thank you for lifting up Janiece with your prayers, acts of kindness, and genuine concern for her and our family. It's hard to be on the receiving end, please know it is appreciated.
I'll keep updating on the blog when news is available. I'm very happy to report some good news on this blog. It doesn't happen enough! :)
Thursday, September 12, 2013
Wednesday, September 11, 2013
Prayers for Janiece
Once again, this isn't my story to tell, but I have asked to be a narrator for Janiece and she has agreed. I can't explain the feelings in my heart, or easily form my thoughts into sentences, but I will try.
I've come back to this blog with tears in my eyes, a heavy heart, and very sad news...
She found out on August 28, 2013. A few days prior to this Janiece had a mole removed. She was asked to come in to the office to hear the results of the biopsy and to bring someone with her. Janiece and her Mom received the news together. I just can't imagine...
Later that day, my Mom relayed this information to me, I was driving to my children's school to volunteer for a back to school event. My head screamed--It's unfair! Too unbelievable! Haven't they been through enough!!! Why!? Why!? Why!?
I still feel that way.
I am learning once again from Janiece. She has a positive disposition, she has a fight in her. Once again she is strong, when others (me) are weak.
Our family is again in need of help.
I am writing to you tonight to please pray, fast, cross fingers, send good vibes, whatever you can, in Janiece's behalf.
She will be having surgery tomorrow. A larger area around where the mole was, will be cut away to ensure all the cancer cells are gone. The adjacent lymph nodes will be biopsied to see if there is any spreading of the cancer. It will take a few days to get the biopsy results back, and at that time we will know more regarding staging of the cancer and what the plan will be, for further treatment.
I am brought to humility again. My problems are small. My life is easy. My children have been shielded from a lot of heartbreak. Scott has not even been gone for one year. His death and this news, are a hard reality to grasp. Yet Janiece, Shaunie, Shelby, Shaylie, and Mick are living it. I'll never understand...
Once again, life is never the same as before. Things are constantly chainging in our broken world. One thing that is constant though, is our ability to choose. We can choose to let life break us, be consumed with sorrow, or we can chose to live.
I know what Janiece has chosen.
"Do not fear, for I am with you; Do not anxiously look about you, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, surely I will help you. Surely I will uphold you with My righteous right hand."
Isaiah 41:10
I've come back to this blog with tears in my eyes, a heavy heart, and very sad news...
Janiece has cancer--Melanoma.
She found out on August 28, 2013. A few days prior to this Janiece had a mole removed. She was asked to come in to the office to hear the results of the biopsy and to bring someone with her. Janiece and her Mom received the news together. I just can't imagine...
Later that day, my Mom relayed this information to me, I was driving to my children's school to volunteer for a back to school event. My head screamed--It's unfair! Too unbelievable! Haven't they been through enough!!! Why!? Why!? Why!?
I still feel that way.
I am learning once again from Janiece. She has a positive disposition, she has a fight in her. Once again she is strong, when others (me) are weak.
Our family is again in need of help.
I am writing to you tonight to please pray, fast, cross fingers, send good vibes, whatever you can, in Janiece's behalf.
She will be having surgery tomorrow. A larger area around where the mole was, will be cut away to ensure all the cancer cells are gone. The adjacent lymph nodes will be biopsied to see if there is any spreading of the cancer. It will take a few days to get the biopsy results back, and at that time we will know more regarding staging of the cancer and what the plan will be, for further treatment.
I am brought to humility again. My problems are small. My life is easy. My children have been shielded from a lot of heartbreak. Scott has not even been gone for one year. His death and this news, are a hard reality to grasp. Yet Janiece, Shaunie, Shelby, Shaylie, and Mick are living it. I'll never understand...
Once again, life is never the same as before. Things are constantly chainging in our broken world. One thing that is constant though, is our ability to choose. We can choose to let life break us, be consumed with sorrow, or we can chose to live.
I know what Janiece has chosen.
"Do not fear, for I am with you; Do not anxiously look about you, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, surely I will help you. Surely I will uphold you with My righteous right hand."
Isaiah 41:10
Monday, August 12, 2013
If Only You Were Here....
The canal rushes by your home signaling summer, growth, passed time, you could see it from your bedroom window...If only you were here.
Your belly would be full of sweet corn each night now...If only you were here.
Your days and nights would be spent washing, walking, and helping your children prepare their steers....If only you were here.
You would be full of anticipation, excitement for the fair...If only you were here.
You would see that sweet grandbaby of yours smile with her cute teeth and love on her Momma, your daughter...If only you were here.
Your wife would tell you all about her new job and you would share her joy...If only you were here.
You would see how beautiful and strong Shaylie and Shelby are and see them modeling their new school clothes...If only you were here.
You would know that Mick is a farmer through and through, his Grandpa's best helper and side kick....If only you were here.
If only you were here...we would see you wearing your shirts instead of them being sewn into beautiful quilts.
If only you were here...I would see you in your home, instead of driving by on my way to your "spot" on the top of the hill.
If only you were here...
Your belly would be full of sweet corn each night now...If only you were here.
Your days and nights would be spent washing, walking, and helping your children prepare their steers....If only you were here.
You would be full of anticipation, excitement for the fair...If only you were here.
You would see that sweet grandbaby of yours smile with her cute teeth and love on her Momma, your daughter...If only you were here.
Your wife would tell you all about her new job and you would share her joy...If only you were here.
You would see how beautiful and strong Shaylie and Shelby are and see them modeling their new school clothes...If only you were here.
You would know that Mick is a farmer through and through, his Grandpa's best helper and side kick....If only you were here.
If only you were here...we would see you wearing your shirts instead of them being sewn into beautiful quilts.
If only you were here...I would see you in your home, instead of driving by on my way to your "spot" on the top of the hill.
If only you were here...
Monday, April 1, 2013
Tears
Missing you terribly today. I love you. I want to see you, hear your voice again, hug you, tell you that I love you...just one more time.
Sunday, February 3, 2013
Missing Scott
This is random, but these thoughts won't leave my brain, and I am hoping writing them down will.
I have had two dreams about Scott. The first one was only a few days after Scott passed away. He looked the same to me as he did before he got sick. He looked well. He looked happy. His body was whole. He was sitting at the familar dining table at our Grandma Croziers home (Grandma died August 2012). I can remember nothing more. I don't recall speaking to Scott but I did wake up feeling an overwhelming sense of peace, of comfort, and a knowledge that Scott was okay.
My second dream was more of a nightmare. Scott was riding his horse down the street, I was sitting on the sidewalk. Waiting for him, watching for him. I was excited to see him. He rode by smiled and waved at me. A few yards past, his horse reared and fell over on him. Scott was pinned under the horse. I ran to Scott, and I immediately knew that if I didn't help him, he would die. I was trying desperately to save him. To move the horse off of him. To pull him out from under. Screaming for help, but my cries were not heard. He died in my arms and even in my dream, I felt the sadness, the guilt, the desperation nearly consume me.
I woke and immediately knew that "it was just a dream" but those feelings didn't go away. I also felt like there was some truth to the dream...I feel so sad, I couldn't save Scott. That WE couldn't save Scott. That modern medicine couldn't save Scott. That no matter how we tried, how much we prayed, how much we hoped, Scott still died.
I think about Scott everyday. Most of the time, I feel extreme guilt. I feel guilty that I get to continue to live, to experience life, to hug my babies, and he doesn't.
**Growing up my Mom always cooked a big Sunday dinner. For dessert we would always have either warm tapioca pudding or divinity. Scott LOVED tapioca pudding. A few weeks ago, I decided I wanted to make tapioca pudding for my family. The recipe I have is not "quick and easy", you have to soak the tapioca overnight, use a double boiler to get the milk just the right temperature, beat and fold in the eggs whites and on and on. I went through the steps and although it wasn't quite as good as my Mom's it was a close second. I thought it was delicious. I served up bowls for my family, and for reasons I will never understand :) they didn't share the tapioca love.
As I dumped out their bowls in the trash, I found myself crying. Crying because I was able to enjoy tapioca and Scott wasn't. Crying because I felt like my kids not liking it, was somehow not honoring Scott. I wanted to share Scott's favorite food with my kids and have them somehow associate this little thing with him. I know it's completely ridiculous. I know it's just tapioca....I know it has nothing to do with honoring or loving Scott. I don't know why I reacted the way I did, other than I think I was just sad and missing Scott.
**I babysat Scott's granddaughter McCall (best few days ever!!!) and I literally could not put her down. I held her and loved her every second we had her. I felt like I needed to somehow pass on every ounce of love I could to her, to pass on a love from her Grandpa in heaven. I felt moments of guilt, when I thought about the fact that I got to love on and hug this baby and Scott didn't.
**My Hannah is super tall, when I was combing her hair one day, I commented to her that she might grow up to be as tall as her Uncle Scott! She looked at me and said "Umm Mom, you remember that Scott died, right?" Ensue tears. Yes, baby Girl I remember.
Scott dying is still just so sad. It's so sad to think that the years I lived with him, will likely not be as many years as I live without him. I'm so afraid, that my kids won't literally remember Scott (of course, I will keep his memory with them for all the days that I live). That birthdays, Christmas, baptisms, will pass and Scott won't be here. How is that okay? How does one, not ache because of it?
I have had two dreams about Scott. The first one was only a few days after Scott passed away. He looked the same to me as he did before he got sick. He looked well. He looked happy. His body was whole. He was sitting at the familar dining table at our Grandma Croziers home (Grandma died August 2012). I can remember nothing more. I don't recall speaking to Scott but I did wake up feeling an overwhelming sense of peace, of comfort, and a knowledge that Scott was okay.
My second dream was more of a nightmare. Scott was riding his horse down the street, I was sitting on the sidewalk. Waiting for him, watching for him. I was excited to see him. He rode by smiled and waved at me. A few yards past, his horse reared and fell over on him. Scott was pinned under the horse. I ran to Scott, and I immediately knew that if I didn't help him, he would die. I was trying desperately to save him. To move the horse off of him. To pull him out from under. Screaming for help, but my cries were not heard. He died in my arms and even in my dream, I felt the sadness, the guilt, the desperation nearly consume me.
I woke and immediately knew that "it was just a dream" but those feelings didn't go away. I also felt like there was some truth to the dream...I feel so sad, I couldn't save Scott. That WE couldn't save Scott. That modern medicine couldn't save Scott. That no matter how we tried, how much we prayed, how much we hoped, Scott still died.
I think about Scott everyday. Most of the time, I feel extreme guilt. I feel guilty that I get to continue to live, to experience life, to hug my babies, and he doesn't.
**Growing up my Mom always cooked a big Sunday dinner. For dessert we would always have either warm tapioca pudding or divinity. Scott LOVED tapioca pudding. A few weeks ago, I decided I wanted to make tapioca pudding for my family. The recipe I have is not "quick and easy", you have to soak the tapioca overnight, use a double boiler to get the milk just the right temperature, beat and fold in the eggs whites and on and on. I went through the steps and although it wasn't quite as good as my Mom's it was a close second. I thought it was delicious. I served up bowls for my family, and for reasons I will never understand :) they didn't share the tapioca love.
As I dumped out their bowls in the trash, I found myself crying. Crying because I was able to enjoy tapioca and Scott wasn't. Crying because I felt like my kids not liking it, was somehow not honoring Scott. I wanted to share Scott's favorite food with my kids and have them somehow associate this little thing with him. I know it's completely ridiculous. I know it's just tapioca....I know it has nothing to do with honoring or loving Scott. I don't know why I reacted the way I did, other than I think I was just sad and missing Scott.
**I babysat Scott's granddaughter McCall (best few days ever!!!) and I literally could not put her down. I held her and loved her every second we had her. I felt like I needed to somehow pass on every ounce of love I could to her, to pass on a love from her Grandpa in heaven. I felt moments of guilt, when I thought about the fact that I got to love on and hug this baby and Scott didn't.
**My Hannah is super tall, when I was combing her hair one day, I commented to her that she might grow up to be as tall as her Uncle Scott! She looked at me and said "Umm Mom, you remember that Scott died, right?" Ensue tears. Yes, baby Girl I remember.
Scott dying is still just so sad. It's so sad to think that the years I lived with him, will likely not be as many years as I live without him. I'm so afraid, that my kids won't literally remember Scott (of course, I will keep his memory with them for all the days that I live). That birthdays, Christmas, baptisms, will pass and Scott won't be here. How is that okay? How does one, not ache because of it?
Wednesday, December 5, 2012
THANK YOU! and a final post
Thank you all for your love, kind words, cards, flowers, hugs, meals, and so much more. Your support has carried us through a most difficult time. How can we thank you enough? How can we repay you? The truth is that we can not. Please know though, how grateful we are.
What a tribute and honor to Scott! I really can't believe how many people attended the services for my brother. Thank you for being a part of our lives and rallying around us when we needed it most.
I have always loved "living in the city" but seeing the support from Scott's little community was inspiring. You just can't know people that well in "the big city" and I was a little envious. Tremonton/Bothwell my childhood home, thank you for loving my brother and our family so much.
It has been an honor to write this little blog. I've loved it and I've hated it. I appreciated your kind comments about the blog. You've only got to hear one side of this story, my perspective, and I hope that I have done it justice.
The words would sometimes flow like water from the sink, but other times the words just could not be written and I struggled. There are gaps and missing chapters in this little story of Scott's when I just couldn't get the words out.
I think all of us feel a gap now. A part is missing. Something not "right". And once again, words can't describe it. I feel a sadness I have never experienced before. I have grieved before and mourned the loss of a loved one, but this is different. Like my Mom said, "I'm not sad for Scott, but I am selfishly sad for me" I am incredibly sad for all of us that have to live without Scott.
I feel like a different person than I was six days ago. I wonder if other people, strangers, can see the sadness that hangs over me. I wonder if they sense that something isn't "right" with me. I wonder if there will be a time, when I don't cry so easily. I wonder if I'll be able to fall asleep without thoughts of the tragedy we've been through consuming my mind. I wonder if the ache in my heart will ever be lessened. I wonder if losing Scott will ever get easier.
I am desperately clinging to hope. I see my children and can't help but know, that despite my protests, life will continue to go on and there is so much to LIVE FOR! I see our sweet McCall our little angel, and despite the sadness I can't help but smile. Our family will always mourn, always miss Scott, and will always wonder about the what if''s and the why's but however small, there is a place in me that knows we are going to be okay.
Thank you so much for following along, for reading my words, and most importantly caring so much about Scott.
Much Love,
April
Psalm 34:18 The Lord is nigh unto them that are of a broken heart; and asaveth such as be bof a contrite spirit
What a tribute and honor to Scott! I really can't believe how many people attended the services for my brother. Thank you for being a part of our lives and rallying around us when we needed it most.
I have always loved "living in the city" but seeing the support from Scott's little community was inspiring. You just can't know people that well in "the big city" and I was a little envious. Tremonton/Bothwell my childhood home, thank you for loving my brother and our family so much.
It has been an honor to write this little blog. I've loved it and I've hated it. I appreciated your kind comments about the blog. You've only got to hear one side of this story, my perspective, and I hope that I have done it justice.
The words would sometimes flow like water from the sink, but other times the words just could not be written and I struggled. There are gaps and missing chapters in this little story of Scott's when I just couldn't get the words out.
I think all of us feel a gap now. A part is missing. Something not "right". And once again, words can't describe it. I feel a sadness I have never experienced before. I have grieved before and mourned the loss of a loved one, but this is different. Like my Mom said, "I'm not sad for Scott, but I am selfishly sad for me" I am incredibly sad for all of us that have to live without Scott.
I feel like a different person than I was six days ago. I wonder if other people, strangers, can see the sadness that hangs over me. I wonder if they sense that something isn't "right" with me. I wonder if there will be a time, when I don't cry so easily. I wonder if I'll be able to fall asleep without thoughts of the tragedy we've been through consuming my mind. I wonder if the ache in my heart will ever be lessened. I wonder if losing Scott will ever get easier.
I am desperately clinging to hope. I see my children and can't help but know, that despite my protests, life will continue to go on and there is so much to LIVE FOR! I see our sweet McCall our little angel, and despite the sadness I can't help but smile. Our family will always mourn, always miss Scott, and will always wonder about the what if''s and the why's but however small, there is a place in me that knows we are going to be okay.
Thank you so much for following along, for reading my words, and most importantly caring so much about Scott.
Much Love,
April
Psalm 34:18 The Lord is nigh unto them that are of a broken heart; and asaveth such as be bof a contrite spirit
Friday, November 30, 2012
Scott's Obituary
Scott Douglas Newman
1971-2012
After a hard fought battle, Scott Douglas Newman died of
Alpha 1 Antitrypsin Deficiency on 30 November 2012 .
He was born in Logan ,
Utah 12 February 1971 to Douglas and
Tamera Crozier Newman.
Viewings will be held at the Tremonton West Stake Center on Monday 3 December, from 6-8:00pm and Tuesday from 9:30-11:30am. Funeral services 4 December, at 12:00pm at the Tremonton West Stake Center Chapel. Burial at Valley View Cementery in Bothwell, Utah
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