See Below Post for an update with more information...but here a letter for my brother.
To my Dearest Brother,
I was only seven when you moved out and I have far too few memories growing up with you then I would like. But I am told that even though, you wanted desperately for this last baby--me--to be a "brother" you were enamoured by me and loved me to pieces.
I am told that I was a late walker and a late talker because you carried me everywhere. I never had to speak to get something I wanted, it was given to me because you anticipated my needs and wants.
I am told that you and I always shared a room and some of that I do remember. I am told that you would jump up to get me when I would fuss or cry, even during the night.
I remember our awesome red, white, and blue patriotic themed room. I can't imagine that as we both got older, that you very much enjoyed sharing a room with your baby sister, but I don't remember ever feeling that way.
I remember your water bed and oh how I loved that thing. I didn't know of a single other person in the whole wide world who had a water bed. I had my own bed of course, but I loved sleeping in the water bed, and more times then not you had a bed mate whether you wanted or not.
I remember being terribly afraid of the dark my entire childhood and even some older years (I'll admit it now :). I hated the nights when you stayed out late and I didn't hear you breathing across the room. I felt safe when you were there and scared when you were not. When you moved out, I had a room "to myself" but this privilege was truly wasted on me. I never stayed much in there after you left and started "inviting" myself to sleep in Carrie and Melissa's bedroom.
I remember your love of being on the farm and watching you ride off with Dad in the truck or tractor. I was a tiny bit jealous--not because I couldn't go, because I could if I wanted, but mostly because I didn't share that same love with you and didn't have that time that you did with Dad.
I remember going to our farm for a field trip in Kindergarten. Mom and Dad always let you skip school that day to, so you could help out. I remember feeling like my heart was going to burst with pride as we turned down the canal road to the farm and I could see you and Dad's shapes from the road. I remember you taking extra time to make sure my friends and I got that extra special "touch" on the field trip.
I remember singing "Goodness Gracious Great Balls of Fire" with you at the top of my lungs and making Mom crazy. Mom didn't care too much for the lyrics and didn't think it was very age appropriate for me, but oh how I loved singing it. It was one of your favorite songs and one of the first ones that I knew every.single.word of.
I remember when you were taking welding classes and made me my own set of monkey bars for my birthday present. I don't think I was old enough to appreciate the time and skill it took to do that then, but today I do and I'm sorry I don't think I thanked you enough. I can't believe you did that for me. They are in Mom's yard with a beautiful flowering vine now, and I'll always remember you every time I see them.
I remember when my goldfish died. I have always been very sensitive to animals and couldn't bear to see them hurt or die. I haven't eaten meat since age 8 because of this. Even though you were a farmer through and through and didn't share my sentiment, you took compassion on me when I was heartbroken over my goldfish. Your friend Darrin was at our house and even so, you took time to help me. You scooped my goldfish out put him in an empty toothpaste box, dug a hole in the backyard, and buried him. I asked your friend Darrin to say a prayer, which he did. You would probably remember this as one of your most embarrassing memories, but it holds a special place in my heart.
I remember hanging on your friends and girlfriend (I only remember Janiece!) wanting to be right in the middle of whatever you were doing. I would want to sit on their laps, hold their hands, and fulfill my "annoying little sister" duties to the fullest, which I believe I was quite successful at. I truly NEVER remember you scolding me or driving me away.
I remember your teasing fondly now--tickling me, chasing me, and yes, even tooting in my face. :)
I remember you always wore a pair of wranglers, some boots, a t-shirt, and a baseball cap.
I remember the awesome mullet hairstyle you sported for years. I can picture your black curls in the back perfectly in my mind right now and can't help but smile.
I remember standing proudly in your wedding line--the only one I've ever had the privilege of being included in, and thinking "this was the best day ever." I felt like a princess. And even though I was young, I remember feeling so proud of you, so happy for you.
I remember you as a newlywed living across the street from you. I was happy to still have you close by. I remember your old car, that looked like the car from ghost busters, and riding in the back seat as you drove over "big bumps"
I remember each of your children being born, and how amazing that was. Not many other kids my age were aunties and it was a special thing for me. I wanted to mother them and always be with them. I loved your babies and still do, like I love my own.
I have always loved you big brother and I always will. I think in many ways we are opposites. I know I haven't always done the things you wanted me to and the opposite of this is true. But what I know now, and wish I figured out earlier, was how much it DIDN'T and DOESN'T matter.
I wish I had more time with you and that I could write I remember you growing old. I wish that I would never have a family picture without you in it. I wish I had spoken more kindly and loved you more deeply all the days of your life. Forty one years has not been long enough and I don't know why God thinks that it has. I believe in God and His plan, but I think I will always wonder why it had to be this way. I can't imagine Him needing you more then we do here. I look forward to a sweet reunion with you dear Brother and wish the time for me could be as quick on earth as it will be for you.
Earthly life will not be the same without you, but for as long as I am living I will remember you. My children and their children, will always remember. There will always be a place in my heart full of you and death can not separate that.
I remember.
Love your baby sister,
April
