Missing Scott

This is random, but these thoughts won't leave my brain, and I am hoping writing them down will.


I have had two dreams about Scott.  The first one was only a few days after Scott passed away.  He looked the same to me as he did before he got sick.  He looked well.  He looked happy.  His body was whole.  He was sitting at the familar dining table at our Grandma Croziers home (Grandma died August 2012). I can remember nothing more.  I don't recall speaking to Scott but I did wake up feeling an overwhelming sense of peace, of comfort, and a knowledge that Scott was okay.

My second dream was more of a nightmare.  Scott was riding his horse down the street, I was sitting on the sidewalk.  Waiting for him, watching for him.  I was excited to see him.  He rode by smiled and waved at me.  A few yards past, his horse reared and fell over on him.  Scott was pinned under the horse.  I ran to Scott, and I immediately knew that if I didn't help him, he would die.  I was trying desperately to save him.  To move the horse off of him.  To pull him out from under.  Screaming for help, but my cries were not heard.  He died in my arms and even in my dream, I felt the sadness, the guilt, the desperation nearly consume me. 

I woke and immediately knew that "it was just a dream" but those feelings didn't go away.  I also felt like there was some truth to the dream...I feel so sad, I couldn't save Scott.  That WE couldn't save Scott.  That modern medicine couldn't save Scott. That no matter how we tried, how much we prayed, how much we hoped, Scott still died. 

I think about Scott everyday.  Most of the time, I feel extreme guilt.  I feel guilty that I get to continue to live, to experience life, to hug my babies, and he doesn't. 

**Growing up my Mom always cooked a big Sunday dinner.  For dessert we would always have either warm tapioca pudding or divinity.  Scott LOVED tapioca pudding.  A few weeks ago, I decided I wanted to make tapioca pudding for my family.  The recipe I have is not "quick and easy", you have to soak the tapioca overnight, use a double boiler to get the milk just the right temperature, beat and fold in the eggs whites and on and on.  I went through the steps and although it wasn't quite as good as my Mom's it was a close second.  I thought it was delicious.  I served up bowls for my family, and for reasons I will never understand :) they didn't share the tapioca love. 

As I dumped out their bowls in the trash, I found myself crying.  Crying because I was able to enjoy tapioca and Scott wasn't.  Crying because I felt like my kids not liking it, was somehow not honoring Scott. I wanted to share Scott's favorite food with my kids and have them somehow associate this little thing with him. I know it's completely ridiculous.  I know it's just tapioca....I know it has nothing to do with honoring or loving Scott.  I don't know why I reacted the way I did, other than I think I was just sad and missing Scott. 

**I babysat Scott's granddaughter McCall (best few days ever!!!) and I literally could not put her down. I held her and loved her every second we had her. I felt like I needed to somehow pass on every ounce of love I could to her, to pass on a love from her Grandpa in heaven. I felt moments of guilt, when I thought about the fact that I got to love on and hug this baby and Scott didn't.

**My Hannah is super tall, when I was combing her hair one day, I commented to her that she might grow up to be as tall as her Uncle Scott! She looked at me and said "Umm Mom, you remember that Scott died, right?" Ensue tears. Yes, baby Girl I remember. 

Scott dying is still just so sad. It's so sad to think that the years I lived with him, will likely not be as many years as I live without him.  I'm so afraid, that my kids won't literally remember Scott (of course, I will keep his memory with them for all the days that I live).  That birthdays, Christmas, baptisms,  will pass and Scott won't be here.  How is that okay?  How does one, not ache because of it?