"as long as it's healthy"

This isn't an update on Scott. I've spent the last few hours focusing on getting Scott's journey so far, documented. It feels good to have it done and was a great distraction from the sadness. I'm exhaused but can't sleep. I have had these thoughts running through my head non stop and thought maybe it would help to get them documented too. So read on if your interested, if not wait for a new update tomorrow!

I saw Scott, Thursday around 5:00 before his first surgery. He was working hard to breath and did not look well. I said my goodbyes and left to head home. Our family was assigned (with two other families) to clean our ward building that night at 6:30, so I felt a responsibility to get home. When I got home, I was talking to our next door neighbor and a short version of Scott's story spilled out. Her family was also scheduled to clean the church that night. She wanted us not to clean the church, but I insisted on going. I knew Scott would be in surgery while we cleaned and I wanted the distraction. My plan was to head back to the hospital after his surgery.

We cleaned away and when we were almost done, Cam handed me his cell phone saying Melissa had left a message to call her back ASAP. I quickly called her back informing the other sister in our ward who I was working side by side with that my brother was in the ICU. Melissa told me that Scott needed to have his leg amputated. I immediately started crying and saying no. Dear Sister Gunnell had no idea the news I was hearing but seeing my grief was enough. She was crying too.

Our next door neighbors who were there cleaning up, jumped into action. Coming home with our children so Cam and I could get to the hospital. I can never thank them enough.

When Scott came out of his surgery, I wanted to see him. I'll never forget walking into his room with our mother and seeing him. He was covered in a blanket, but the blanket touched the bed where the mound of his leg was, just hours before. It wasn't scary, but the reality of his situation hit me like a ton of bricks. I wanted to rewind time and take a mental picture one more time before his surgery. To see him wiggle his toes and bend his knee. Not because I wanted to go have things the way they were before-I knew that wasn't possible, but because I wanted to never take those things for granted again. My brother would never be the same. I knew he was going to struggle, I knew he would grieve this loss and my heart ached for him.

I watched my Mom look at her oldest child, her only son with tears in her eyes. I couldn't help but think of my own children and how much I love them and want nothing more than for them to be happy and healthy. I know my Mom feels that same way for her children.

For reasons I can't explain the commonly heard phrase "as long as it's healthy" kept repeating itself in my head at that moment. Generally used, to answer the commonly asked question of expectant mothers "Do you know what you are having?" I couldn't help envision my mother being asked this when she was expecting Scott.

I know it's not the same and it is used politely to say "we don't care gender, we just want our baby to be healthy" But...what if it's not? It makes love feel conditional. Of course all those parents would love their child even if it was not healthy, so why say that phrase? I just couldn't quit thinking about this and I hate that phrase now.

I pictured my Mom holding an infant Scott, counting his toes, watching him take his first steps, teaching him how to tie his shoes, and never envisioning this for her sweet baby boy. I pictured my Dad putting work boots on Scott, teaching him how to feed the cows, and watching him run the bases in little league baseball. I remembered Scott carrying me on his back and lifting me up on his legs for an airplane ride.

My mom struggles with all that goes on in a hospital. I know this isn't easy for her and while we stood at Scott's bedside that terrible night, I asked her if she was okay. She replied "This is my son now, of course I am okay" It doesn't matter how old your children are you still hope and dream for them, you always want them to be happy and healthy. Most importantly though, if those dreams change, you love them still.

I believe that long before Scott was on earth, he knew he would face this trial and he accepted it and chose to come to earth anyway. I believe that Janiece and his children were the perfect matches, ordained long ago, to help him through this struggle. I believe that Christ has already atoned for Scott's suffering.

"Therefore I take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches, in necessities, in persecutions, in distresses for Christ's sake; For when I am weak, then I am strong" 2 Corinthians 12:10