This isn't my life

Alternate Titles to this post:

Thank you God, for these trials. I am stronger now. Can we be done?

I couldn't make this up if I tried.

Someone wake me up!

I can't tell you how many times over the last few weeks I have told my husband, that "I can't believe this is happening to us" I really can't explain how it feels. It is some sort of strange twilight zone.

The other day on the way to the hospital, I was filling up my car with gas. As I watched the hundreds of cars driving past me, I thought about how most of the people in those cars, were going about their daily lives, not realizing how much mine had changed. How lucky, they were I thought and how unfair for me.

You see, two weeks ago I was in Georgia with my mother-in-law attending her 47 year old sister's funeral. She died way too young from pancreatic cancer. In December of 2010, as far as she knew, she was healthy and five months later she was gone.

My flight landed on Wednesday the 18th and I was supposed to leave for a work conference in Texas on the 20th. Only 18 hours later, on May 19th, my brother was lifeflighted to IMC. A few hours after that he had his leg amputated and was traveling the fine line between life and death.

I didn't go to Texas and I am so glad.

On Sunday the 22nd, my sister in law and my sweet three year old niece were in a car accident. They were basically T-Boned by someone going 60 who ran a red light. Despite some bruising and a broken arm for my sister in law, they are thankfully going to be okay.

Last night, my husband's grandpa (age 66) was bucked off a horse and had a c6-c7 neck injury. They told us last night he is paralyzed from the neck down. He was lifeflighted yesterday to the same hospital Scott is in. Currently he is on the same floor, in the ICU, only a few doors down from Scott's old room.

You know the saying-"It could always be worse?" Well, last night proved that it really always can be. I'm so sad. It just doesn't seem possible that this could be happening to people I know, love, and care so much about. Now when I go to the hospital I see my side of my family and my in laws and it just isn't right.

Once again, it feels like time is standing still for our family, while the rest of the world is still spinning.

If you've read this blog in its entirety you would have read the different scriptures, I've included on some posts. I haven't been getting home from the hospital until late most nights. Each night despite the late hour, I can't turn my brain off. Part of me thinks that if I lay down in bed before sleep comes, I'll be consumed with grief. So each night, I have been studying my scriptures under a different subject. Some of my subjects have been- grief, the Atonement, love, weakness, suffering, strength, eternal families, and more.

Today, my thoughts have once again returned to the Atonement. As I was reading, I thought about Heavenly Father watching his Son, Jesus Christ, on the cross and wanting nothing more than to save him, to ease his suffering, and yet he withheld, because of his eternal love for each of us.

I want nothing more than for Heavenly Father to ease these burdens from my family. My vision is not as clear as our Heavenly Father's and I'm selfish. I hate this. I want to go back to three weeks ago, when we all went about our daily lives and every.single.member of my family could walk with ease.

I know there are so many blessings to be seen throughout all of this, and I'm praying each day for the ability to see more clearly how truly blessed we are. I also think it's okay to feel sad right now.

"For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life." John 3:16